Monday, September 16
I felt better today, like i had some energy, but i may have burned it all anxiously while struggling to make decisions.
I needed to do some laundry. I need to make plans for where i'm going from here. I need to figure out what i still even want to do in Paris. I need to figure out if i'm going home early. I need to look through the Sitges program, which was finally released. I need to do this this this this this that other thing. I got completely overwhelmed, and did none of it, for far too long.
This trip is absolutely doing the opposite to me of what i expected. I thought being here, with the freedom to do what i wanted, make whatever choices i felt like, meet people and make friends with no stakes whatsoever if things went badly, would push me to do those things. I thought the general lack of consequences for doing things wrong would get me to relax, and just enjoy the ride, have fun, learn, grow.
Instead i feel like it's revealed how extensive the damage is, to my body and my mind and my soul.
I keep thinking about going home. But then i look at Sitges, promising to be the big film festival experience that i was craving, and i think, i can make it a few more weeks. Plus, yeah, i'm worried about burnout and i'm starting to worry about money and i'm worried about a bunch of other things, and yeah, i probably wasn't ready to take this trip, and yeah, the lack of planning has been a detriment in more ways than i expected. But what am i gonna regret more? Staying in Europe a little longer and not getting as much out of it as i could or should, or giving up halfway through the trip and going home and potentially never getting another opportunity to see any of these countries or go to these film festivals? Yeah, i have high hopes for getting my movie done and touring it around the world, but that's far from a guarantee. I've been working on this movie for eight years now. It might never come to fruition. I might have to take another data entry job and jockey a desk for the rest of my life, lamenting.
But i am here now. I may not be physically or mentally capable of "making the most of it," but i'm gonna continue to make what i can of it, at least.
I took a shower. I did one Scrubba bag full of laundry. That'll be enough for a few more days. I glanced at the Sitges stuff, then reminded myself that i can do that later. Daylight's wasting. Let's go.
L'Arc de Triomphe should be open today. I headed there first, planning to go to the Louvre after.
Crews were still working on tearing down the Paralympics setup. I circled around the base of the Arc, getting shots of the intricate sculptures across its surfaces. I've filmed all this before though, so i tried not to spend too much time on it. Also, France's Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, with its Eternal Flame, rests right below the Arc.
Security here has also vastly increased since 2013. There's a whole new glass booth set up under the Arc, attached to the outside of the door to the spiral staircase. Had to empty all the shit out of my vest and cargo pockets again.
I think the displays inside the Arc are a bit different now, too. There were huge flat screens across some of the walls, which i don't remember, and also a big chunk of that interior real estate is taken up by a gift shop now. Don't remember that either.
There's not a lot to look at inside, just a few displays, so i headed up to the top.
This is exactly as i remember it.
I spent a lot more time up there than i thought i would. Just walking back and forth, looking at Paris, even though i just did this a few days ago from the Eiffel Tower. I looked at the iconic photo of Amanda and i from our last Paris trip, the one we'd used for everything, and tried to line up the background, to find the exact spot we were standing when we took it. I took some selfies, then retreated to a quiet corner in the middle to inspect them.
Didn't look quite right.
It was pretty busy up there today, and the side with the Eiffel Tower in the background is, of course, the most popular side. It took me a bit before i was able to get over there again, but this time, i think i lined it up correctly.
I took the shot with me standing where Amanda was, and my position open, with my arm spanning that gap, as if it were around her.
I chose to switch sides on purpose. Something Amanda once said to me, about our sleeping habits. We always slept on the same sides of the bed, as i think most couples do. But one time, when she was away for the night, for...i don't know, probably roller derby...she came home before i got up and found me sleeping on her side.
"When you're gone, i always sleep on your side, too," she said. "I think we look for each other, even in our sleep."
I've never forgotten that.
And i am looking for her.
Anywhere i can find her.
It was already 3:00 by the time i got back to the ground. The Louvre closes at 6. Adding in travel time, it didn't really feel like it was gonna be worth paying admission for just two and a half hours in one of the world's biggest museums. I didn't think i'd want to spend a whole day there by myself, but two hours still seems rushed.
Amanda and i had some scheduling problems last time, and i think we did have less than two hours in the Louvre. We only went because we'd already paid for city museum passes, and it was included.
I don't know if i'm gonna make it to the Louvre at all on this trip, to be honest. It's gonna have to be tomorrow if i do.
Okay, well, maybe i'll go do the Catacombs, then.
I looked up directions on Maps, then checked admission prices...only to find that you need to buy tickets in advance, and i had not done that.
The sky was quickly becoming crowded with dark gray clouds, and the wind was picking up. What else could i do yet today?
Oh. I haven't eaten all day. It might be easier to think with some food in my stomach.
Time to get a fancy meal on the world-famous Champs-Élysées. And not cheap fast food this time, i want something worthy of the location.
I walked several blocks down the Champs-Élysées, but was mostly seeing big fashion stores. Doir. Saint Laurent. Moncler. Then there was a building decked out to look like the gaudiest fuckin handbag i've ever seen. From the pattern, i was like, that's Louis Vuitton. And then i got close enough to read the logo, and i was correct. I don't know why i knew that.
None of the restaurants i did see were catching my fancy. After ten-ish minutes, i found a park bench and sat down to check what restaurants were even around.
I'd gotten so hungry that no food really looked appetizing anymore. You know that feeling? That exact stage of being hungry? I've been there several times on this trip.
None of the fancy restaurants i was seeing on Maps were doing it for me, anywhere down the Champs-Élysées. But there was one more middle-of-the-road place, Washington Poste, which was just like two doors down from the Champs-Élysées on Rue Washington, that had a Parisian Burger on its menu that seemed like it might hit the spot. It had camembert on it. That seemed different.
Unfortunately, the menu i was handed when i sat down outside the Washington Poste did not include the Parisian Burger. I thought about asking if they still made it, but instead decided to try something from the "French Dishes" section. No, not the Bacon Cheese Burger, with cheddar sauce, that doesn't strike me as particularly French, what is that doing here. For almost the same price, they had Raw Salmon and Avocado Tartare. Let's give that a go.
For some reason it was served with French Fries. And they were called "French Fries" on the menu. I don't know, something about French Fries sitting next to Raw Salmon Tartare on a plate just feels like an odd juxtaposition.
I was quite happy with the meal, though. Never had salmon tartare before. It's just one of those things you hear about rich people eating and then never really think about, i think. Like caviar. It was very good.
Walking back to the metro station, i passed McDonalds Champs-Élysées, which proudly calls itself "McDonalds Champs-Élysées" on all of its signage. I don't know, i feel like having a McDonalds on the Champs-Élysées kind of takes some of the prestige out of it, doesn't it?
Back at the hostel, i did exactly what i planned to: went through the movies on the Sitges lineup, and watched as many trailers as i could.
I also thought to check if full festival passes had sold out. For both Berlin Fantasy and Paris L'Étranger, they were sold out long before single tickets even went on sale. But also, i knew i wasn't going to be able to attend the full festivals of either of those; with Sitges, the entire range of its dates were built right into my travel plans.
They haven't gone on sale yet. Oh my god. They're waiting to sell the full passes alongside the individual movie tickets.
That's. That's incredible.
Also, the full festival pass is only €395?? I was sure it was going to be over a grand. I don't remember where i saw that number. Maybe i'm thinking of a different festival.
That...might just be worth it. If i see 4 movies a day, i'll have saved money over buying individual tickets. And since i'm already having difficulty finding the energy to do things...and since the film festivals have definitely been the highlight of the trip so far...
I'm probably gonna go for it.
They go on sale Wednesday.
I sat in the common room, by the bar, for a while, watching trailers with my headphones in. People interrupted me several times, either to unplug their laptop, because they had their cable wrapped around the pillar to my right and the plug was right by my legs, or to plug their laptop in, or to ask if they could take the chair from the other side of my table. The fourth and final person asked me if i was there for the drawing event.
"Uh...no? I didn't know there was an event," i said.
"Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it," he said.
"I can move if i'm in the way."
"No, it's fine, i'm sorry i asked. You can stay."
He walked away, but i looked around the room and noticed it was filling up. I didn't know what the drawing event was, but it seems like it's another of the hostel's group activities. I just wanted to watch movie trailers, so i needed to find another place i could sit and do that. Preferably not in my bunk, there's no light there and it feels very antisocial.
There's another eating area on floor -1, called Happy House, which i had not yet investigated. All i knew about it is that it's the only place in the hostel where outside food is allowed. You're not supposed to eat or drink in the rooms, and the common area is a fully-functional pub, so they don't want you bringing stuff in. Only to Happy House.
I took the elevator down, and found a small kitchen with a dining table with seating for six. It was a tight fit, largely because most of the room was dominated by what looked like an upholstered stage. It had pillows and blankets strewn randomly about, so i gathered it was a place for sitting. I picked a corner and plopped down in it, only then noticing a projector screen on the wall in front of me, and a massive projector overhead, with a dangling HDMI cable.
This is kind of cool.
There was one person in the room when i came in. She said hi, but then remained fully focused on her food. I went back to my trailers. After a while, some more people came in, started preparing food, and sitting at the table; the original occupant left the table and sat across from me on the giant...upholstered...not-couch, stage, thing. Maybe it's kind of like a conversation pit? Those things from the 70s? But also, not really. I don't know. I should've taken a picture, but i didn't.
At 8:00, i thought i might be hungry again, so i took my laptop and went upstairs, to order something from the bar.
The entire common room was completely packed. All tables were full, people were standing in the spaces between them, holding sketch pads. There was a man in his underwear posing in the center table, everyone was drawing him.
I let the elevator door close, and went up to my room.
I dropped off the laptop, looked up nearby places to eat, and went back down, squeezing through the fray of artists and exiting the building.
There's a kebab shop i've passed every time i've gone to the metro station. I popped in there to get some late-night kebab. It was cheap and wonderful. They even brought me bread after i started eating, which i didn't know was included and would never have realized i hadn't gotten.
Kebab shops are the backbone of European culture. This one is open until 2am.
While i was eating, i started looking at the map, trying to figure out where i'm going from here. I didn't make any decisions, though.
Back at the hostel, back in my bunk, because the common area was still flooded with artists, i finally started thinking about what i want to do from here.
Do i want to go home? No. No, i think i'm gonna stick it out.
So which way from here?
I really wanted to get to Prague on this trip, but i'm afraid that it might already be too late for that. The first part of my trip, i stayed in each of those Scandinavian cities about a day too long, and then i had to rush to Berlin, and rush to Paris. I probably should have gotten to Berlin sooner, and done the first half of their festival instead of the second, and then gotten to Paris sooner, and done earlier parts of their festival. Our anniversary should have been toward the end of my Paris time, not the beginning. And in the earlier planning stages for this trip, i was thinking of it that way. But that's not how it worked out.
But then, i would have had time to head east again.
Now, since i'm leaving Paris on the 18th, and i have to be in Barcelona no later than October 2nd, i've basically got 12 days to go where i will.
I'm thinking Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, and make a quick stop in Cannes on the way to Barcelona. I have some other ideas, but that's the frontrunner right now. I'm gonna need to book a seat reservation on the train out of Paris either way, but for now, i'm gonna sleep on it. I'll make a final decision tomorrow.
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